Sweet Sixteen For WHO?

I'm not thinking there's anything sweet about it! It sucks plain and simple! My oldest child is 16 years old as of 2:41pm EST today. This is so cruel, it truly is. Sixteen years have passed so quickly and now as he is looking towards the finish line (18), I'm trying to think of ways to trip and tackle him so he doesn't cross it! He's looking forward to being an adult and a man. I'm trying to figure out how to get him to play with his Biker Mice From Mars again.

If you've been reading this blog for the last two years then you know that every year on the kids' birthdays I do a special post to them. If you're new, well every year on my kids' birthdays I do a special post to them. Caught up now? Good. Then we will continue...

Dear Precious 16 Year Old Manchild,

Sixteen years ago today I gave birth to a 7lb 8oz baby boy with blue eyes and blonde hair. Such a tiny but beautiful thing. How did you ever get so big? One day you were laying on my chest while The Little Mermaid played on the hospital TV and the next you’re looking eye level with me and growing facial hair. How did this happen? When I wasn't looking you went from being my little baby boy to being an almost man. I feel like I’ve missed so much. I’ve always been here yet at times I really haven’t. I’m very sorry for that.

If I could go back in time I would do so many things differently. I’d have gone to college so I could have given you more and put you in sports. Please know that I always wanted to let you play on every team and do everything your friends did. Even now, I wish I could afford the things I know you would like. I'm sorry that I can't.

I’m sorry I chose such a deadbeat as your donor. Had he been decent you could have still been in activities even if I were broke. I wish I could have chosen a father that you could depend on over the years (biological I mean). Someone you could spend time with and know loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t do a very good job.

If I could go back in time I would spend even more with you and Sis when you were little. I would hide away from the world less and take you two out into it more. Yes, we have lots of wonderful memories but I wish we had so very many more.

I would have used my head more instead of jumping into something that hasn’t really been good for any of us. I would have been a better mother and put you kids first instead of my own insecurities. I hope you know in your heart that Dad (definitely not bio-jerk) is a good man, responsible, and he always makes sure we have the things we truly need. I know he’s not a very good father but I do believe he tries. He’s not wired like we are and where we show love with hugs and words, he shows his with working and making sure we will never go without. Of course, he will pay dearly for giving you his card first this morning instead of letting me be first. I will keep all punishment just to slow torture though, I promise. *wink* Oh well, mine was better than his Ass card though wasn’t it? Just humor me and say “yes mom” okay?

Since my diagnosis, I should have been working my ass off to be a wonderful mother to you kids. Someone you could be proud of and remember fondly…just in case. I’m sorry that I haven’t been. I’m pretty worthless most days I know. I hope you know that I want nothing more than to be able to play football with you, run with you kids, hike mountains without getting sick, and do all the other things you kids like. I’m sorry that instead I spend most days either in pain or sick from adrenal crap. You deserve so much more in a mother. You deserve a wonderful mother because you are a wonderful kid.

Thank you for being such a great big brother to Sis and MonkeyBoy. You are such a huge help to me on the days that my health isn’t all that great. You never hold it against me or hate me for being sick. That means so much to me.

Most of all, thank you for being my son. My world truly changed for the better when you came into it. I’m so glad you are in my life and I am so proud of the man you are becoming. I hope I will be around to see you reach your potential and achieve your dreams. I know that you are going to be fantastic at everything.

Today, on your 16th birthday my wish for you is happiness to last a lifetime, heartfelt love so you never feel alone, hope so you never give up, and a very very long life without anymore cancer.

I will be here as long as I can sweety, but if the day comes too soon that I’m not, please know that you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Thank you for saving my life 16 years ago. Because of you I became a mother and found out what the words "unconditional love" meant.

Eternally,
Mom