Saturday, February 02, 2013

A Whole New View On Things

When Hubby Guy and I first got together (sometime in the first year) we watched the movie Stepmom starring Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, and Ed Harris. It's a sweet movie about the dynamics between the Ex-Wife and the new fiancé of Ed Harris' character. The ex ends up with terminal cancer and realizes that this is the woman who will raise her kids and they become friends. It's more interesting than my description I promise!

Anyway, I remember that the first time we watched it I teared up a little but no real waterworks. It was sad and sweet but at the time cancer was something other people got. This was before I knew my father or about the genetic disorder we have so I figured the worst thing that would happen would be getting diabetes.

Fast forward thirteen years to today when we watched Stepmom again and you would have seen me bawling like a frakkin baby! You see, I realized today that HAVING cancer can even affect how you process and feel about movies you watch. This time I was watching it as a mother who has cancer who has had to face the very real idea of saying goodbye to her kids just like Susan Sarandon's character in the movie.

This time I was asking myself if I have taken enough pictures with my kids. Have I created enough good memories? Have I given them traditions they can pass on? Have I brought them more happiness than sadness during their lives? Was I there for them like they needed?

Maybe it hit me more this time also because I decided on New Year's that I was going to make sure I could answer "yes" to several of those questions plus I want to make sure they don't remember me as their mom who was always sick and had to lay on the couch a lot. I'm actually DOING something about what I leave behind and I have to admit it feels pretty damn good!

No matter what I'm going to be sick. No matter what I'm going to be in pain. No matter what I'm going to have cancer but that doesn't mean I have to give up showing my heathens how to LIVE or how to stay hopeful.


Catherine said...

The one thing illness teaches is living in the moment. I hate cancer. Hate it. It stole my dad and changed my life forever. YOU. You are my inspiration. You are the person I think of when I need to be brave. You are the person I think of when I want to whine about my life.

And I wish for you with all my heart and soul that you be well, that some great miracle shines upon you and you live to an old, old age where I can come sit on a front porch with you, me deaf from all the years of listening to rock and roll and we toast a shot and a middle finger to cancer.

It's good to read you again, dear blogger friend.