Saturday, April 05, 2008

Spring Cleaning By Osmosis

As the weather gets nicer by the day, I find myself determined to get some kickass spring cleaning done on this house. I figure we'll go room by room decluttering, scrubbing, and defunkifying every nook and cranny leaving behind a fresh clean house we can all enjoy.

Then reality bitchslaps me upside the head in the form of my oldest two children asking "Spring WHAT?". Cleaning you filthy little heathens.... CLEANING! That's when I realize that my chances of getting help from anyone in this house are pretty much slim to none.

Here is what Spring cleaning sounds like in my house....

Me: Okay this weekend you guys need to clean your bathroom (which you were actually suppose to do yesterday), the downstairs bathroom, fold and put away laundry after I wash and dry it, and I'd appreciate it if you would get the pine needles out from under the tree in the front yard as well.

*half an hour later I am having to search for people and as I open up both teens' bedroom doors...*

Me: "Ummmm Sis are you going to keep up with folding the laundry like I asked? Just wondering since it's backing up downstairs."

Sis: "Oh I was just reading my J-14 magazine so I'll do it later. Isn't Nick Jonas so hawt? Did you know that Ashley Disdale got a nosejob? Oh my gosh what did Miley Cyrus do to her hair? Pete Wentz is sooooooooooooo cute!"

Me: "No, I don't think Nick Jonas is hawt because I'm not a pedochile. Ashley got a nosejob so she could breathe. She had a deviated septum like your father airhead. Who gives a shit what Hannah Montana-Miley did to her hair? Unless she shaved her head and walks backwards now cuz that would be funny! Pete Wentz is fucking ugly and wears more makeup than his skanky looking girlfriend. Go fold clothes because this load has been finished for over 20 minutes now."

Sis: "Gawd Mom, I wasn't actually talking TO you ya know. What's the sense in me folding them if Big B isn't putting them away? Besides, I don't want to go downstairs and then have to come alllllllll the way back up here to fold them. I'm worn out."

Me: "The sense is that it's your damn chore so you worry about you and I'll worry about your brother. ALL the way back up here to fold them? Oh my hell, that's like what? 15 steps? Take plenty of water so you don't dehydrate on the way down. Worn out? What, did walking around Walmart with C looking for eyeliner tucker ya out sweety? Poor thing. *smacking my forehead and wondering if it's too late to trade her in on another cat* Did you do your part of the bathroom yet?"

Sis: "Ummmm you said we had all weekend."

Me: "No I said those were the things I wanted done this weekend not take ALL damn weekend to do them! Go get the clothes and fold them if you don't think the distance will cause injury or blisters to your poor tired feet."

*looking at Big B*

Me: "Have you put away the previous load of laundry yet?"

BB: "No, I was working on my playbook for when BBF and I get into the NFL."

*crickets chirping as I give him a "You fuckin' kiddin' me?" look*

Me: "That's nice dear but how about you come up with a playbook for doing your chores in a timely manner. Hell, I'll even make you a Championship ring for that shit! Do you think you could do your chores and THEN the playbook? Did you do your half of the bathroom yet?"

Big B: "No, you said we had all weekend to do that stuff."

*thump thump thump....which is the sound of me beating my head against the wall*


Big B: "Whatever, I'll get to it."

*this is the point where I'm seriously wondering if the almost 17 year old is going to make it to his 18th birthday next year cuz mama's about to lay down a serious chokehold!*

Me: "Okay I know this is shocking to the system considering that we've had the exact same chores and shit every single week for the last eight years but do you guys think that at 17 and 13 years old we could get stuff done in a time from other than at the last minute or not at all?"

Sis: *eyes roll so far back in her head she looks like Linda Blair*

Big B: *giving me that "I can't believe that bitch actually expects me to do something around here. I mean, I don't go to public school OR have a job OR volunteer anywhere so who does she think she is?" look*

Me: Bueller? Bueller? Frye? Frye? Okay well I'm glad we all agreed on this. It's been nice talking to you both. Really, I'm glad we can bond like this. Now get your asses in gear and get shit done or I swear I'll put Dad in charge and go hide in my room!"

Usually this wouldn't be such a big deal but when both of them sat at the table last week watching me play Twister with the washer and dryer as I tried to clean behind both of them, excuse me if I'm a little pissy. Gee, what AM I doing expecting two perfectly able-bodied teenagers to help clean up some of the mess that they help create everyday? The horror of it all.

Anyone happen to know a desert camel trader who is looking for new camel brushers? Worst case they'd probably make okay living step stools to a sheikh.

Any other parents of teens with similiar stories to tell?


Meg_L said...

If you find some place, let me know. My two can go as well.

They have the same household chores each week. Boy has been "missing" things in the bathroom each week and I have to send him back to touch up. This week, I explicitly spelled out exactly what he needed to do...and he's going to have to do a touch up yet again.

And the delaying? I'm sick of kicking a pair of butts on Sunday late afternoon to get things done that should have been done Saturday morning.

Unknown said...

There are few universal truths - but I believe teens with kingsize attitudes about chores is one of them. My prize story is when I asked my oldest (17) to vacuum the stairs and with all seriousness said to me with a puzzled and perplexed look on her face "But I just did it two weeks ago." ummm... yes, you did, however there are these things called feet which have the nasty habit of tracking dirt and stuff in the house. Its not a one time lasts forever dealio. Her response? "oh." At which point I think my head started spinning. Or the other one (15) when I had her go back for a redo in the kitchen because she left the counters nasty and shit all over the floor (like crunching when you step level shit) and her reply was "But you said Do the DISHES, not wipe the counters and sweep the floor!" My head exploded.

Gwen said...

Oh I am so NOT looking forward to teens. I have a 7yo girl though that is, despite her homeschooled and relatively sheltered from pre-teen-with-attitude stuff, still a pre-teen with attitude. Life in 5 years is going to be hell, I can feel it.

Killlashandra said...

I know I shouldn't laugh, really I know I shouldn't but damn that was funny. I live it too no worries there. And who says it happens once and there's only one story? I swear I go through this every weekend. Sunday rolls around did you clean your room, did you take your trash out, did you hang your towel up, did you clean your bathroom, do the dishes, feed the dogs, the horses, the bunnies? Oh it is never ending I totally agree. ;)

Summer said...

LOL Have you tried selling them on Ebay yet?

For some reason my feed reader doesn't show me your updates. So I've been sitting around waiting for a post, totally oblivious. LOL

Babette said...

Uhm. I was really hoping it would get easier as they aged. But apparently not. I'm doomed too.

Crazed Nitwit said...

Go read my blog from the last week. Chores? Never. Drama King has so much more fun pissing me off.

Hugs to you. You deserve them.

Anonymous said...

Wait. We can do that? Send them off to scrub camels I mean. Hmmm..this opens up some serious possibilities for me.

mauniejames3 said...

If you can sell them...that could work for all of us...but we would have to move quickly and then really move because they would be returned within the hour......

Anonymous said...

Luckily for me my teen will be off to college in one year. I will miss her, but it will also mean less cleaning for me, not just in spring but all year.

Anonymous said...

Uh..yeah! I swear we've got the same thing going on here and it slays me.

I love the banner in the post...completely cracked me up!!

momof3feistykids said...

*LOL!* My heathens and I will be doing serious cleaning today. I. Can't. Wait.

BTW, I can't find your e-mail. Could you write me at

TheHMC said...

Mmmm. Lovely. So I'm screwed, basically, huh? S & J are only 9 and 8 and are already starting with that crap. I ask S to get up and clean and he flits around the room like a cracked out hummingbird, yelling "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! Where do I start?!" To which I usually respond with "uuuuuuh.. LOOK AROUND! There's crap laying E-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e! Take your pick and go for it!"

I hear ya though. Goodness forbid any of them should have to pick up their own messes! I mean, they are only given a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear and parents that love them despite them being little buttheads 80% of the time, but no! That's okay boys, just sit there and do nothing while I run myself ragged doing your laundry, cleaning the floors, doing the dishes, packing the entire house and cleaning YOUR pee off of the bathroom floor. Because, you know, I'm the ONLY person that uses the toilet that actually doesn't ever miss, but that's okay, because I just love cleaning Your pee when you have a perfectly good 'aimer' attached to you.

Okay, I think I'm about to have a panic attack lol. Gr! Kids!
So hard to not love them though, 'eh?

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Jo said...

Talk about a double edged sword! On one hand I'm glad to know my two are normal in this but at the same time I hate knowing other parents have to deal with this. LOL

Summer- yeah, Ebay made me take down the auction. Something about not selling human beings blah blah blah. Killjoys.

Queenie- scrub camels, brush camels...the possibilities are endless. :)

For all those who have yet to experience the "joy" that is teenager... oh yeah, you're DEFINITELY screwed!! hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

holy crapola. I think this is my
kids in a few years. Mien fight over who's turn it is to pick up dog crap.


Anonymous said...

They have the same household chores each week. Boy has been "missing" things in the bathroom each week and I have to send him back to touch up. This week, I explicitly spelled out exactly what he needed to do...and he's going to have to do a touch up yet again.

Anonymous said...

"Spring cleaning by osmosis?" Kewl, I'm going to drop that one on my wife this weekend. Hopefully I'll live to report back on her reaction next week!

Anonymous said...

Try selling them in ebay (Just a suggestion).

Hugs to you and take care always.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, this is so funny and SO true!!! My 15 yo and 11 yo girls [yes, I know, grave is dug] have become monstrously inept. After homeschooling for 8 years, they all started govt. school this past fall and let me say, attitudes took a gigunda leap! Great blog!