Sunday, May 28, 2006

If I Get The Choice...

to sit it out or's time to dance. Also known as it's time for me to get off my dead ass and start living my life. I'm finally giving myself the final okay to really live.

After a recent doctor's appointment and my test results, I know that I'm never going to get better. It honestly all goes downhill from here BUT that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride! At worst I have 3 years left to live. At best I have around 20. Personally, I'm begging for 15 and considering anything over that a gift. Anything less will just leave me one pissed off dead person so the Fates are warned. :) Starting today I am going to live as if any day could be the last.

I'm going to love deeper, speak sweeter, and laugh more. I now accept that the chronic pain will never go away. I now accept that the cancer will one day be worse but I don't accept not really living my life. When I look back over my last 31 years there are more regrets than good memories and I just can't do that to myself or my kids anymore. There needs to be more memories, fun, and laughter in this house. Anyone that gets in the way of that will no longer be in my life (kids not included obviously).

I will no longer be afraid of the unknown. I'd rather be poor and happy than middle class and miserable. My oldest son called me The Survivor in a post he once did but before you can survive you have to really live. My whole life has been spent letting everyone else tell me what I'm suppose to do. Now it's my turn to be in charge of my own life. The kid gloves come off today.

I think I've spent the last 10 years of my life thinking that everything could just wait until I turn 40. Like that is some magic number and suddenly I will be able to live my life how I've always wanted. I may never reach 40 so then what? Will I have spent my whole life waiting for something that will never come? I just can't do it anymore. I want memories now. I want to feel proud now. I want to show my children what life is really about- living and not regretting.

A few years ago, the one thing I wanted before I died was to be remembered. I wanted to be some great published author or world traveler. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be some forgotten person that nobody would ever remember. I was so wrapped up in having that dream (even though I really wasn't doing anything to acheive it) that I missed what really mattered and that is...

To all but three people I am really no one. To those three people I am everyone. It is time for them to become my everyone to. They have always been my heart and the very center of my being but I still chose badly for my own wants and benefit leaving theirs out. Now only three things matter to me- wrapping my children in love that will last them all of their lives, helping them to have happiness in life that I've never had, and leaving no regrets when I close my eyes for the last time. All else small potatoes.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Why Life With Heathens?

Everytime I come to this blog I look at the title "Life With Heathens" and I honestly chuckle. Everytime. Without fail. Why? Because it truly sums up the real world for me. Some people probably see heathens and think "Oh she means Godless non-Christians" but they are so very far from the truth that it too is laughable.

Calling my children "heathens" is the one and only thing I have left of my mother that I can think kindly of. When my brothers and I were younger my mom would call us her heathens which basically meant "you rotten little boogers!" and was always meant in a loving way. It wasn't just when we were bad but anytime. She would tell us that she loved us heathens or that we were her heathens and throughout all the memory blackouts and abuse, it was the one thing I could always hang on too.

So when my own children came along it just seemed natural to call them "heathens" as well. They are my rotten little heathens and I love them more than life itself. They have each saved my life and my soul in their own ways and they are the reason I refuse to accept "life expectancy" statistics. They have been with me to hell and back and somedays they are stuck in hell with me still (which is one of my biggest regrets) but they go on loving me anyway. I look at them and no matter what, I know I'm not a failure. How can someone be a failure when they have three pieces of perfection standing in front of them everyday?

Sure, my kids can be real asses sometimes. Of course, I can be a real ass sometimes too so I can't say I blame them there but they are good kids. I'm proud of them for everything they are and everything I know they will one day be.

So fundies can gasp and cross themselves when they see my blog title all they want but until you know WHY it is my Life With Heathens, you can shut the hell up. Actually, I think you're just jealous because you couldn't come up with a cool name for your blog! ;)

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Skinny On Unskinny Me

Okay so I'll admit it, my little feelers were hurt and I threw a tantrum. It happens to the best of us. I wanted a job that I didn't get plus I was reading too many of those "mommy" blogs thinking to myself "Dude, I SUCK!!!" and that happens too. Then of course, I got over it and picked myself back up. How you might ask? Well let me tell you oh wonderfully loyal reader...

First I threw rocks at their "club" house. Then I tripped a few people as they passed on their way to their new jobs. Finally I found myself a few other jobs and then went back to their "club" house and stuck my tongue out at them all! :)

Granted, they all mooned me and yelled "We're getting paid and you're not!" but I still feel pretty good. Of course, if they ever invite me into their clubhouse I am climbing up the ladder faster than Anna Nicole Smith can pork an old guy! I might be bitter but I am not stupid! ;)

Anyway, I'm done pouting and whining and will just go back to doing what I do best... being me. I'm done falling into the trap of wanting to be like mommy bloggers and I see no reason not to write about what I know, which is real life. That's not to say that other people don't write about real life but come on, how damn perfect do you expect us to believe you are? Does Stepford Wives ring a bell at all? That's to no one specific by the way.

So I still have my writing gig at DotMoms up to twice a month, my articles on Amitymama, and the blogs of course. I think that is quite a bit to be proud of and I am.

I'm also working on a few articles for homeschooling magazines, a children's book, and looking forward to returning to school in the fall. Life is good even if I'm not getting paid a single damn dime for any of it! I guess that makes me a cheap date eh? LOL

To top it all off I've found a homeschool group to take the kids to that I absolutely love! It's so relaxing knowing that I'm going to a group that I feel so comfortable with. Our original group has always been nice to be but I have a feeling that this is the one I'm meant to be at. If Meg wasn't leaving I would kidnap her ass and take her to the group with me. :)

Take care and thanks for all the kind words. The funk is over and not only am I back but my "Evil Self" is too. *wink wink nudge nudge*

UPDATE!- Add Story From The Heart on ClubMom to the list. I just received the email saying I was published. Granted it's not a feature article or a blog but it's nice to see something I wrote up on the screen. :)

Saturday, May 06, 2006

A Week Of Me...Me

Thanks to blogexplosion I've been seeing these meme things all over the place lately so I figured I would do a post of them. There's no way I'm going to do a weekly post or a daily post of these things so here in one post you get a whole week's worth and probably more knowledge about me than you ever wanted. Enjoy. :)

Monday- Couldn't find any for Monday that didn't suck. Next...

Tuesday Twosome:
1. Do you care what other people think? Explain: Not really. Why? Because life is too short to care what other people think and you will never be able to please everyone. It's much easier to just be yourself and the hell with everyone else.

2. What two things do you sense you're supposed to do before your life is over? Get a college degree and whether I'm "suppose" to or not I'm damned and determined to see my children become adults. This is a hard one when you don't know if you have 5 years or 15 years. I also think I'm suppose to write a book that will be published. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. LOL

3. Is your family life the way you imagined it would be? If not, what can you do to change it? Oh hell no! I once imagined a perfect life with a perfect husband and perfect kids. I also was NOT suppose to get cancer at any point during that little dream and most definately my kids weren't suppose to get it! If my husband would just quit being such a butt so often things would be pretty good. Oh and if he'd quit spending money like it's water that would help too. ;)

4. If you can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age will you choose? None, my childhood was an honest hell filled with abuse and pain.

5. What are two skills you've wanted but don't have? Better writing skills (so I can get a job or write a book and buy my villa in Tuscany...hehe) and be able to paint beautifully

Wednesday: Wednesdays obviously suck for memes too unless you want to play one with scriptures. NEXT!!...

Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen things about me.
1- I'm 6' tall and have been since I was 17
2- I hate my height and jokes about it
3- I had my first child and first marriage both at 16
4- I've been divorced twice and married three times. Two of those times were just really stupid choices on my part and I've always wished I could have just been married once and that's it.
5- The huge U-shaped scar on my neck from my last cancer surgery makes me feel very very ugly but I try to pretend it doesn't.
6- The thought of not being around long enough for my youngest child to remember me scares me and makes me cry sometimes
7- I honestly love homeschooling and wish I had more energy to do really fun things with my kids.
8- The scene in Armageddon where Bruce Willis is telling Liv Taylor goodbye makes me cry like a baby everytime
9- I openly and honestly hate my mother. She's the most ignorant, selfish, and hateful person I've every known in my life. If she's reading this I hope she remembers that and quits internet stalking me.
10- I am not very tolerant of religiously hateful people (my mother is one). Hating a person because they don't believe the same things as you is ignorance plain and simple.
11- I think homophobes, racists, pedophiles, moms who kill their children, and abusers are the most disgusting people on the planet.
12- I am pro-choice but not pro-abortion and yes, anyone with any intelligence knows there is a difference!
13- I will finally be going back to college either this summer or fall to pursue my degree. I plan on Majoring in Philosophy with a double Minor in Religious Studies and Creative Writing. All three are passions of mine.

T.G.I.Friday: Most of these sucked too but this one wasn't bad
1. If you could "unknow" just one thing, what would you want it to be? That the world is so full of hate and ignorance

2. What truth about yourself do you wish wasn't so? I let other people rule my life for so long that I ended up screwing my kids out of a better life.

3. What truth about the world do you wish wasn't so? Again, that it wasn't so full of hate and ignorance.

4. If you could banish the existence of one famous person, who would it be? George W. Bush, he honestly makes me sick just looking at him

5. Who is the one person you know that you wish you've never met? Just one? Wow, hmmmm I honestly can't pick just one. The three though would be my first two exes (relationships) and my hubby's ex. All need a swift kick to the head.

The best idea I found was the Thursday Thirteen. Do they have ones like this for the other days of the week? Am I going to have to be the one that starts some of these stupid things just so I don't have to go searching for disappointment?

I might do the Thursday one again just because it was kind of fun. I'm not a big "meme" person though and everytime I think of the word "meme" I picture the chic from the Drew Carey Show. LMAO.

If you'd like to do this on your blog be sure to leave me a link so I can come read yours too.