I'm A Neuropathic Nightmare!

I saw the Neurologist and found out after many tests, scans, and pokey needle things that I definitely have Peripheral Neuropathy which we already knew but now I have an updated diagnosis of it for my records. What I wasn't expecting was that when I brought the papers home and looked at them I saw that the doctor had written down, "Small Fiber Neuropathy", "Idiopathic Neuropathy" (which just means no clue what caused it), and "Autonomic Neuropathy".

The thing that bothers me is the Autonomic Neuropathy because it's one that affects your organs and explains why I've been getting dizzy a lot. It seems it is affecting my heart although only very mildly at this point. We aren't sure yet what other organs are being compromised yet and I can't say I'm in a hurry to find out.

I also found out that I have to have an MRI and I'm being referred to a pain clinic because she honestly thinks that at this point I'm going to need pain meds. Not what I wanted to hear but also what I already knew too. I've tried all the medications to try to help with this neuropathy and I've either had bad reactions or there is my Gabapentin which keeps me sane and not wanting to gnaw my limbs off but doesn't actually help pain. I absolutely hate pain medications and will have to mentally become okay with taking them so we will see.

In good news, Hyper Heathen is almost finished with swim lessons for the summer and he has done really well. He has gone off the diving board a few times and swims awesome now. I'm so very proud of him and his progress! I was able to sign him up for all of the sessions so he has spent the entire summer swimming and I think that has helped out a lot.

Big B and Sis are doing alright and plugging along in this shithole we call life. All I can hope is that they are smarter than I was at that age and make the most of their lives. I want the best of everything for them and it's hard once your children become adults because you can't give them that or do it for them. As adults they have to go get it for themselves. Can't help wanting to care for my "babies" no matter how big they get though. Lol.

A Whole New View On Things

When Hubby Guy and I first got together (sometime in the first year) we watched the movie Stepmom starring Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, and Ed Harris. It's a sweet movie about the dynamics between the Ex-Wife and the new fiancé of Ed Harris' character. The ex ends up with terminal cancer and realizes that this is the woman who will raise her kids and they become friends. It's more interesting than my description I promise!

Anyway, I remember that the first time we watched it I teared up a little but no real waterworks. It was sad and sweet but at the time cancer was something other people got. This was before I knew my father or about the genetic disorder we have so I figured the worst thing that would happen would be getting diabetes.

Fast forward thirteen years to today when we watched Stepmom again and you would have seen me bawling like a frakkin baby! You see, I realized today that HAVING cancer can even affect how you process and feel about movies you watch. This time I was watching it as a mother who has cancer who has had to face the very real idea of saying goodbye to her kids just like Susan Sarandon's character in the movie.

This time I was asking myself if I have taken enough pictures with my kids. Have I created enough good memories? Have I given them traditions they can pass on? Have I brought them more happiness than sadness during their lives? Was I there for them like they needed?

Maybe it hit me more this time also because I decided on New Year's that I was going to make sure I could answer "yes" to several of those questions plus I want to make sure they don't remember me as their mom who was always sick and had to lay on the couch a lot. I'm actually DOING something about what I leave behind and I have to admit it feels pretty damn good!

No matter what I'm going to be sick. No matter what I'm going to be in pain. No matter what I'm going to have cancer but that doesn't mean I have to give up showing my heathens how to LIVE or how to stay hopeful.

My Five Year Anniversary

On October 7th, 2004 I was diagnosed with medullary thyroid cancer. Shortly thereafter I was told that someone with it spread as much as mine had was given a 16% statistical chance of making it to 5 years. One doctor told me not to listen to statistics so since then I haven't but I can't help but be excited that...

I've made it to FIVE YEARS!!!!!

I can not even begin to express how excited I am about this. Honestly I never thought the cancer itself would kill me before the five year mark but all the other medical stuff has had me worried. The lack of adrenal glands can get pretty scary (almost dying last year was quite traumatizing) and had me wondering if it was going to cause my time to be up. Making it five more years means my body might be scarred, broken, in pain all the time, and sickly but my spirit is holding it all together just fine. I can't wait for my TEN year anniversary. *smile*

So I just want to thank all my friends who have been with me on this ride. Thank you for the calls, gifts, quilts, love, cards, thoughts, and prayers. You have no idea how much they have meant to me. Thank you for listening to me rant and yes, even cry. Thank you for not giving up even though I know some of you have been scared to death.

Here's to another five years. And then another... and another... and another.... haha.

Playing Catch Up

So much to catch up on and no clue where to start. Let's see, first I would like to brag that MonkeyBoy is in his first year of Tee-ball where he is having a blast! Watching these little kids run around the bases or trying to hit the ball is just so much fun. His first game is April 14th so I'm both excited and nervous for him.

Oh and you should see their little uniforms!!! TOO CUTE!! Their team is the Pirates making the uniform shirt black with yellow lettering, gray pants, black socks, their hats are black with a yellow "P" on it. He looks so cool when he has the whole thing on. *smile*

The downside to their uniforms is that there will be times they will be playing in almost 100 degree heat so wearing mostly black will not work in their favor during those times. Ugh.

Another fun thing to share is that my oldest is an assistant coach for MonkeyBoy's team so I get to watch both my boys in action at the same time. BigB has so much patience with the kids (and believe me there are some wild ones!) and I'm so proud of him. He takes his time teaching them to catch, throw, and bat without ever losing his cool. I'm so proud of the man he is becoming.

BigB will also be graduating from high school by the end of May then going on to start his college courses. At this point he is leaning towards a degree in metallurgical engineering but obviously he's free to change his mind many times before he has to decide for sure. I'm so sad to see my kids growing up already but so happy that they have turned out to be so smart and completely awesome. I'm very very lucky.

Speaking of BigB, his scumbag donor, Kirk A. Coiner, is now on welfare and personally I am disgusted with the state of Oregon. Here sits a perfectly healthy and able to work male on welfare, getting assistance with housing, food, utilities, and going to college for free (which is something his son doesn't get to do) all while he is not paying a single penny of the $350 a month he's suppose to pay. He now owes almost $30,000 in back child support yet Oregon does nothing. If someone from the Oregon Division of Child Support (Roseburg office) or their welfare department could enlighten me as to why they are allowing this I would be very grateful. I won't hold my breath though don't worry.

Sis is getting ready to start public High School in the fall thus ending her time homeschooling. On one hand I'm sad to see her go but I also think it will be good for her in alot of ways. While still at home though she is finally enjoying reading making her mama a very happy woman. LOL. So far she has torn through the Twilight Series, the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson, and a few horror books. I'm glad she is finally enjoying reading and seeing for herself how relaxing yet fun it can be.

Sis is also now in 4-H with my friend, Leah's, teens and really liking it so far. She has missed a few meetings but we're hoping she will be to able to enjoyparticipate in 4-H more soon. Once Sis starts school she plans on joining a few activities there which will probably keep BOTH of us busy and out of trouble. Again, I'm so proud of her and she is such an amazing young woman. I couldn't ask for a more fantastic daughter.

I haven't been up to much really. In November I finally had a hysterectomy which went really well. It was so nice finally having a surgery that went like it was suppose to. We found out after the surgery that I had adenomyosis and if you read that link then I'll say that I was one of the "hot coal" analogy people. Life was miserable and every single time I ate anything at all for over two years I would get sick. It sucked because on top of the pain each month I had to deal with not being able to eat out anywhere for fear of what came afterwards. I also had at least two doctors during that time basically say I was making it all up.

Thankfully though as soon as I had the hysterectomy the "hot coal" symptoms went away and I have enjoyed being normal (at least in that aspect) ever since. It has also been amazing to know that I don't have to worry about pregnancy anymore which was a huge fear of mine since I could pass MEN2a on to any child I have. Now I'm free from both fear and pain which has made me much happier.

On the cancer front I'm just going to bow out for now because it's just not even worth going over. I'm just tired of it all and don't want to play anymore. Sorry.

I am still homeschooling MonkeyBoy who is amazingly smart and tons of fun to teach. He learns from literally everything around him which in turn teaches me more as well. It's been really great having this time with him.

So that's it in a nutshell. Of course there are tons of things I could post about that have happened over the months but I'm sure they are far more interesting to me than they ever would be to anyone reading this blog and I'm still a little bit weird about posting too much about my kids. I'm always more than happy though to say that they are truly a treasure and the light in my life. Obviously they have their times and screw up just like we all do but in the end I have been so lucky to have the kids I do. I wouldn't ask for any other heathens even if I could.

Besides, when your children are basically carbon copies of you it's hard to drop the little cretons off somewhere and NOT have someone return them so I suppose I am just stuck with them. *wink*

Ugh, I Suck

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile and I know it's hard to want to read here when I never fucking post BUT I've felt like total ass for almost a month now. I can't even pinpoint it down to one certain thing either... I just feel like out and out ass.

Some good news is that I've finally found a good rheumatologist and she is truly awesome! The only downside is that she is the third rheum to confirm that I have fibromyalgia (when others are having a hard time getting ONE doc to diagnose them I've got three! HA) and she even called it, "Very bad fibromyalgia". *sigh* Dammit.

I'm behind on everything at this point. I have reviews that are past overdue, blog posts on my blogs that should go up sometime this century, and I even have fucking snail mail letters that I owe some good friends! The only thing I'm not behind on is laundry and that's just because my daughter gets all weird if she doesn't have clean clothes. *snicker*

Tomorrow I have an abdominal ultrasound to look for a reason why I get sick everytime I eat and any day now I should find out when my next cancer scans are so we can see if the rotten little bastards have gotten any bigger in my lungs and neck. Personally I could give a shit less because the answer is still the same whether they've grown or not. Blah.

My cancer marker is all over the place as well. One test it's higher and then the next test it's a little lower. Not even that can be normal. haha

While I'm sure this post comes across as depressed I'm actually feeling really sarcastic so if you read it as alot of sarcasm then you've got my mood. I gave up being depressed over this crap awhile ago and now I just get snotty about it. I figure you can either laugh, cry, or just stick your middle finger in the air and say "screw you". I'm more of a "screw you" kinda gal myself how about you?

When You're So Use To...

trying to be funny all the time it's hard figuring out how to post in a whole different way. I can still be funny but now I can be serious and not feel bad about it. It's a little odd for me. Of course, right after I posted "coming out" about cancer on this blog I get sick and don't have a chance to post again for awhile. *snort*

Things have been pretty busy around here over the past week. We're getting ready to start our new homeschool year which means I'm trying to figure out "curriculum" for a high schooler, middle schooler, and a kindergartner. Wheeeee fun! *eyeroll* So far it's not going so well because I can't get Big B to help me figure out what he needs for his final year and Sis doesn't want to do anything at all. Only MonkeyBoy is ready to go and can't wait to start his schoolwork. We have until Monday to get our shit together so we can get started so wish me luck.

One thing that IS going right around here is the work on our backyard. It has gone from a 46x50' square of nothing but sand, ants, and thorns to a pretty yard with a shed, flowers, trees, gravel borders, grass, and a flagstone patio (thank you Craigslist!!!). Hubby has been laughing his ass off at me lately because the roses he bought and planted are blooming like crazy while the container vegetables I planted have not produced a single solitary veggie or fruit. Damn plants!

Once the yard is completely finished I will share pictures of it's awesome loveliness. Okay so I also want to make people drool over how kick ass my backyard looks without having spent a fortune on it. *snicker*

As far as health goes, I'm waiting on a referral to a cancer specialist in St. Louis and once I have that then hopefully I won't have to wait too long for an appointment. On one hand I'm not looking forward to being away from the kids (surprising I know, I must to be fucked in the head!) but on the other hand it will be nice to see my friends who live in St Louis. I haven't actually hung out with a bunch of other women in so long I hope I still remember how.

Geez, when did I become so pathetically uncool? lol

Finally Facing The Facts

As most of my readers know I have metastatic cancer but I'm sure you also know that I've tried very hard to keep that part of my life off this blog. It seems as soon as I told my readers about this part of me I did them and myself the disservice of pretending that it's no big deal and then proceeded to joke my way through the last few years. I now realize that by doing this I'm not facing it but instead pretending it's not there. By making sure most of my medical posts are on Cancer Is The "Easy" Part..., I have been able to make Life With Heathens the place where I am normal and just like everybody else. If I could delegate the cancer and MEN2a to my medical blog then I could pretend it's not there right?

This year though it has gotten harder for me to seperate the two because at times life really is all about the cancer and health issues whether I want it to be or not. So instead of trusting you guys (and myself) to be able to take the whole package I've just not been posting much. For that I apologize to all of us.

There is a mama named Lisa at Clusterfook who is fighting her third battle with cancer. She is facing this newest trial with such grace and she is so inspiring to others of us who are living with cancer. Even faced with the knowledge that the odds are against her this time to beat it, she is fighting with everything she has. This lady and others like her have unknowingly given me a great gift.

That gift is accepting that the cancer and disorder are a part of me, a part that is going to be with me until I die. I've never felt sorry for myself and even when I was diagnosed I really didn't cry much at all. When my oldest two children were diagnosed with MEN2a and cancer then you better believe I cried. It sucked so bad and was so unfair. All the diagnosis' hit us so quickly that all I could think in the midst of it was "What the fuck"!

From now on I will be posting about ALL parts of my life except one and that is my children. I don't mind blogging about them occasionally but I will never be one of those bloggers who talks about their kid's shit or how cute they look wearing mommy's bra on their head. So blogging about my kids will continue the same as it always has. What will change is that I will share the "sick girl" part of my life with you more and not relegate it just to a medical blog.

I have nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't be hiding from my cancer. I shouldn't feel like I have to be funny all the time so people who read this blog won't get bummed out. I can still be my usual sarcastic funny self but it's okay to also admit that sometimes I'm not doing so hot. As someone said earlier, I'm part of an exclusive club. I didn't ask to join it and I will never be happy to see new members come in but I'm proud of the person I've become in the last three years since I was diagnosed. I'm stronger, smarter, a better person, a better mother, and more alive than I've ever been.

So on a brighter note, I have been able to do a little blogsurfing lately and I'd like to share some of these amazing people with you. Most of them probably have no clue I even exist but I know they are out there and that I'm really not the only mom/person dealing with cancer. I hope you will read their blogs and maybe leave them an encouraging comment. Some are new finds while others have been in my blogroll both here and at CITEP.

Hope For Holly

Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down (this woman's HUSBAND also has cancer! Amazing!)

The Assertive Cancer Patient

Clergygirl

Coffee and Chemo

Mom With Over 100 Chemos

Just Enjoy Him

Cancer Is Killing Me...

One Mother With Cancer

Midwestern Mommy

Even The Dentist Is Out To Get Me

Have you ever had the feeling that everyone in the known universe is out to get you? Up until today, I've been thinking that it's mostly just doctors who have it out for me. *nervous laugh* Boy have I been wrong!

Today I had a dental appointment to have molds made of my teeth and I figured that since my top right molar has been hurting me lately, I would ask the dentist if we could have it pulled soon. It just so happens that he was able to do it today so silly me thought it would just be a regular run of the mill tooth pulling. I am happy to say that the tooth came out like a normal tooth and the pain hasn't been all that bad.

No, the bad part happened about two hours ago when I felt something hard moving around in my mouth. Thinking it was part of my tooth coming out, I pulled the object out to find not a tooth but a DRILL BIT!! That's right, the dentist had failed to inform me that at some point he broke the end off of a drill bit in my mouth. Maybe it's just me but I think that's something that should be shared with a patient don't you? Even my husband was shocked and believe me, it takes A LOT to surprise that man!

So tomorrow I get the pleasure of calling the dentist's office and asking them what the hell they were thinking (or not thinking) by not letting me know that there could be a piece of metal floating around in my tooth socket. I'm so fucking sick of incompetant doctors I could honestly scream. *sigh*

I would now like to open comments to anyone else who would like to share their dental horror story for the sake of making ME feel better. Just kidding but I would like to hear your stories in hopes that it's not just me that attracts crap like this.

If You Cut Me Do I Not Bleed?

Okay so maybe that's not exactly the right way to describe the past month but I'll be damned if it isn't close! Yes, I've been a bad blogger again but I actually have a valid excuse this time. You see, I had surgery on April 15th to remove that lymph node in my neck that was pressing on my artery. That day things went well and I was in and out in no time at all. It's the almost two weeks AFTER the surgery that were pure unadulterated hell!!

I won't bore you with all the details but let's just say I got fucked over by a doctor AGAIN. Well actually a surgeon but who am I to squabble over something like that. *eyeroll* I ended up with a HUGE FUCKING ABSCESS in my neck where they took the lymph node out. The really fun part was that my surgeon looked at my ever swelling neck twice and still told me it was normal despite it being hot to the touch, hard, and growing like a whole other planet on the side of my neck.

The only way I even got proof that something wasn't right was by waking up at 3am on Big B's birthday to my pillow and entire left side of my neck covered in blood and pus (it's okay to say "eww" I did) with a gaping hole where the abscess had busted a few stitches to get out. Yeah, it was great lemme tell ya.

I ended up in Urgent Care where they did an X-ray, took a culture, cleaned the hole out, stuck half of a swab into my neck, packed the hole with gauze, covered half my neck with a gauze bandage, put me on antibiotics plus steroids (as if I needed more of those!), and then got to repeat the 80 mile round trip every day for four more days. Ugh, fuckin' bullshit!!

I am very thankful to Urgent Care though for taking such good care of me and the funny part was that the doctor that saw me the first day was the same one who saw MonkeyBoy when he had his MRSA! She walked into the room, looked at me like she knew me from somewhere, and I told her "Don't worry, I won't hate you and call you a mean doctor". She immediately knew who I was and said she still felt horrible about how traumatized he was. I told her that it was alright that he had actually told me to make sure I got "his" doctor because she would take care of me. LOL

There was a good part to all this though. I am now thankful for the extensive nerve damage in my neck (which is much much worse after this last surgery on the left side) because I couldn't feel any pain from the abscess, couldn't feel them poking or prodding the wound, and I haven't felt them repack it at all. So at least I've been saved some pain for once and that makes me happy.

On Thursday they began sending a nurse out to repack the wound for me because with the limited range of motion I have right now and the return of my vertigo I was deemed not safe to go plowing through society. Damn killjoys! *snicker* I'm very proud to say that over the weekend Big B was the one who packed the wound for me and he did such an awesome job! The nurse showed him how and that boy has been anal as hell about keeping things sterile while he's caring for my wound. Now if only I could get that to carry over to his room I'd be set. *wink*

The abscess is almost healed now and my neck is the size it's suppose to be again. When they did the surgery they cut me lower than they said they would so instead of under my jawline I have a new scar right across the left side of my neck. That bothers me but nothing I can do about it now. People already stare as it is so I guess one more scar doesn't much matter at this point. I just miss that tall beautiful blonde I use to be but I guess this is one way to teach my kids several lessons firsthand...

1- Don't stare at people just because they may look different. It hurts them just the same as if you called them a "freak".

2- Beauty really is only skin deep and no matter how much you alter or scar the outside there is still beauty inside.

3- Never count on looks to get you through life because they can be gone in the blink of an eye.

All this cancer crap has taught them to be more understanding and kind towards people so no matter what I know this is not all in vain. If me being carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey means my kids learn to respect other human beings no matter what they look like then it's worth it. I'll take this one for the team. *smile*

Update on Breast Lump and Node in Neck

I felt so kinky on Monday, I got felt up by a chic while two guys watched. GO ME!!!!

Okay so what really happened is the breast surgeon examined me at my appointment and I could have given a shit less that two med students watched. LMFAO.

The word on the lump in my right breast is that it does NOT look to be a form of breast cancer and is most likely metastatic medullary cancer. We are going to do another scan in three months and go from there on it. Of course, if it IS metastatic MTC then I am the only person this surgeon has known that has had it spread there. I'm going to have to check with my MTC group and see if anyone else has had it though because the folks on the group would know.

As for the the lymph node in my neck, I will be having surgery to have it removed on April 15th. It will be easy compared to my last cancer surgery on my neck so I'm happy.

I'm not going to St Louis at this point because the doctor felt (she's a thyroid & breast surgeon) we would cause more damage than good if we went after the other 12 cancerous lymph nodes in my neck. I already have a ton of scar tissue AND we already know the medullary cancer has spread to my armpits and lungs sooooooooooo no hurry taking out a bunch of little lumps. Same thing goes for the spots in my lungs. It just all stays for now and once they start growing then we'll turn to surgery and maintenance meds.

So all in all a good day. I get to keep what little bitty boobies I got and I finally get this damn thing out of my neck that has been pressing on my carotid artery and causing the mini strokes. I'm a happy camper!

Other than that it has been a pretty quiet week. I wanted to post sooner but I haven't felt too well lately. Nothing big just migraines and little irritating things. I'm going to try to write up a few posts for this and my other blogs within the next few days though so I can start getting into the swing of things again. I miss blogging and miss reading everyone's blogs as well.

Have a great weekend everyone and take care.

You Know You're A Bad Blogger When....

You forget to post something on your three year blogiversary! LOL. Yes, Jo forgot to post and celebrate Life With Heathens being three years old. Wow, so much for fooling myself into thinking that I don't suck. *laugh*

As always, things here are never boring. Since my last post Monkeyboy got a bug bite on his bottom lip and we have had a wonderful run in with MRSA, the results came back on Big B's 24hr urine showing that adrenal tumors are most likely beginning, and just all kinds of fun. haha

This was our first time dealing with MRSA so it was a little scary especially since no one bothered to tell us (doctor and then urgent care who had taken a culture) what the infection was until it was pretty much too late for the rest of us. Considering that I don't like the idea of ANY of my kids being sick plus I have a weakened immune system.... well that didn't sit too well with me AT ALL. Saying I was beyond pissed would be an understatement. Thankfully though no one else got the infection and Monkeyboy is doing much much better. To be honest, I didn't know a whole lot about staph infections before this month but boy do I now! Nasty stuff and I recommend everyone to read up on it because you just never know when it could show up.

As for Big B, we had elevated levels in his test results and had to see another endocrinologist (because his ped endo felt he was old enough to go to an adult endo) to decide what to do next. I felt really comfortable with this endo considering that he is MY endo's husband! After going over the results and talking to Mr Dr Endo the plan is to test Big B every three months to see how the results flucuate/rise. If it looks like things are going slowly then we will wait it out for a bit (because pheochromocytomas usually grow fairly slowly) but if it looks like tumors are forming quickly then the search for a topnotch adrenal surgeon will begin. There is no way in hell I'm letting any of my kids end up all messed up like I am. I love them too much.

So please keep my kiddo in your thoughts for awhile. I'd really rather things not come to him needing surgery. I think they've dealt with enough of this MEN2a bullshit already.

I am happy to report that I did not almost die this month. Amazing I know!! *smiling* Actually, now that I know what to do I see adrenal crisis being a very rare thing for me and I'm very happy about that. Now all I just need to make it through the upcoming appointment with the thyroid/breast surgeon on March 31st and things will be all good. To be honest, I'm scared about that one but really really hoping the lump in my breast is nothing and we can go back to life as usual.

I'd love to say that I've been too busy to blog lately but the truth is that I've just been too damn lazy. I get tired of posting about the downer crap that goes on here healthwise and it seems my writing muse is either on a very long vacation or that bitch done quit! HA. I would love to say that I will do better now but we've all seen how that goes when I say that. *wink*

Thank you to everyone for all the comments on my birthday post. They were really nice to read and I'm trying to catch up on people's blogs. If you notice I've visited you but didn't comment don't worry, I'll be back again and won't be so rude a second time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend and don't gorge yourself on too many chocolate bunnies!

Life and Almost Death

I figured that title covered both things I am posting about today. LOL. First, the story about what a shitty month February was...

As I said in my last post before I "disappeared", I felt like hell so on February 6th I went to see my PCP and find out what was going on with me. On the way to his office I started getting extremely horrid nausea and feeling like I was going to black out. Once we got to the office I informed them of what was happening and they still had me sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes. Finally I asked the nurse if I could please go to a room before I passed out.

Once in the room my doctor came in fairly quickly. He diagnosed me with a sinus infection and bronchitis. When I asked him about the feeling like I'm going to blackout and nausea he just said it was probably from the sinus infection. Ummmm okay. Personally I was worried about it being the start of an adrenal crisis. Anyway- got meds for the infection and bronchitis, went home, and proceeded to go downhill from there.

By February 9th I was sicker than I have honestly been in my entire life. It was the worst nausea I could ever imagine and it was a real fight to stay conscious. Finally I told Hubby that I needed to go to the ER because I believed I was in adrenal crisis. Before leaving, I decided to use my injection kit in hopes that it would help ease the nausea some (this part is important later).

So we went to the ER, spent over two hours in the waiting room even though they were told it's a medical emergency, and once we went back were there for another six hours. *sigh* I ended up taking through an IV- two different nausea meds, two doses of steroids, and three bags of IV fluids because I was so horribly dehydrated. Once that was in me I felt MUCH better and continued to get better once we were home.

I honestly thought the whole thing was no big deal but when I told my endocrinologist about it on February 22nd (that was the first appointment I could get as she's been out of state for a family emergency), she informed me that had I not given myself an injection before leaving I would have died on the way to the ER. That scared the hell out of me!! She then proceeded to explain adrenal crisis in depth to me which is something that wasn't done before and told me exactly what to do when I get sick again. I also found out that doubling my steroid dose when sick was pretty much worthless because I take 5mg a day of Cortef so the most I took while sick was 20mg. Ummmm, I guess when you get sick the LEAST you should take is 40mg in the morning and 20mg in the afternoon. Whoops.

My endocrinologist is sending me to a thyroid/breast surgeon on March 31st because she says that even though the biopsy results on the lymph node in my neck came back benign, it wouldn't have shown up on the Octreotide scan if there weren't cancerous cells in there so she wants it taken out. If this surgeon can do it then we'll have it done here in New Mexico but if she isn't comfortable doing the surgery then I'll be sent to St. Louis for surgery.

My endo wanted me to see this surgeon also because she is a thyroid AND breast surgeon which leads to my second bit of news. My doctor is worried about the lump in my right breast and her opinion is that it needs to be removed and then biopsied because as far as she's concerned it's gotta go whether its benign or malignant. Of course, we will go by whatever the surgeon feels is best in this case and personally I don't care what they do with it as long as I hear the word "benign".

I seriously think learning I have breast cancer would be the breaking point for me. I can take alot of shit but being told yet again that I have another form of cancer would be too much.

For now though I'm just enjoying life whenever I can. I let Big B get his ear pierced for the first time two weeks ago and last week I let Sis get two new holes (three total) in her right ear. I think at this point Hubby is worried that I'm going to bring the 5 year old home with a piercing. Haha

Still Alive And Kicking Hiney

I owe an update and hope to have it up by tomorrow. February has been a longgggggg month to say the least. Lots of fun including me almost dying (seriously. no joking there) and the possibility of breast cancer. Yeah, I told ya... good times good times. *smile*

Anyway- the heathens are all doing fine and I'm feeling much better. It seems that the last time I posted I had a sinus infection and bronchitis plus extra. Those are both gone now and we get to focus just on the cancer and upcoming surgeries.

I've missed everyone and thank you to those of you who have loyally read and been checking for posts. It means alot to me. Hopefully I can get back to blogging and commenting again. It's definitely been dull without my blog buddies.

I think the kids are sick of me and wishing I'd blog too. It's amazing how many things your teenagers don't want to talk about. I mean, what's wrong with pointing out that your teen daughter has boobies now or that the name your teen son uses on MySpace makes him sound like a transvestite?? Sheeeesh, no sense of humor I swear. *wink*

Being Sick Sucks!!

Considering how lame that post title is that should tell you just how sick I am. LOL. What started out as a simple cold over two weeks ago has now turned into a barking cough that Hubby swears is pertussis, a sinus infection over my right eye, a throat that feels like I've spent the last week eating shards of glass, and a feeling in my chest like I've been punched repeatedly by the Incredible Hulk. Sounds lovely doesn't it? Dammit.

Big B and Hubby caught the cold and then got over it, Sis was the one lucky family member who didn't get it at all, and MonkeyBoy still has it holding on to him a little bit as well. I feel worse for him than I do for myself because he's such an active little bug that being sick is driving him bananas!

I'm afraid this post won't be very long or very exciting either and I apologize. I just wanted to make sure I posted something so that the few people who are left reading this blog will actually still read. *laughing* We all know how flaky I can be when it comes to posting but this time you can at least know that it's only because I'm a sickly gal. *wink*

So I'm afraid that is it for tonight and I will try to post something exciting tomorrow if the Hubby and heathens allow me online. I keep getting yelled at to go back to bed and I'm not a stay in bed all day kinda gal so I'm about to go postal on all of them.

In good news, my adorable friend Katie will be here in one week from England! YAY!! She will be here for a little over a month and I can't wait to spend time with her. Most importantly though I hope that the treatment she receives here in the states will ease her pain and give her the life she is use to back.

Coming Out Of Hiding...

I know it has been awhile since I've posted to any of my blogs and I'm sorry. I know it lost me alot of readers but that just can't be helped right now. Before Christmas I received the results of my recent CT scans and ultrasound. As I said before, the purpose of the scans was because an Octreotide scan I had showed uptake in my neck along with questionable spots in my heart and right pectoral wall. We wanted to be safe rather than sorry so I had the other scans on December 19th. Well the results were not what we were expecting to say the least.

Good news: Results for the heart- They feel that it is nothing more than a heart murmur at worst but I will still have a few more tests to make sure. So heart is okay.

Lump in pectoral wall- They feel that it is probably just an infected lymph node but not sure if it is a bacterial infection or the medullary cancer. Either way it's one lymph node in that spot and not worth worrying about at this point.

Okay news: I have a total of eight cancer infested lymph nodes in my neck. There are three on the left side under my jaw, one on the right side under my jaw, three on the right side of my neck, and then the one on my left side that we already knew about. The plan at this point is to remove the one on the left side no matter what and then if biopsies confirm medullary cancer in that one I will be sent to either Dr. Jeff Moley in St Louis or to MD Anderson in Houston to have them pick through my neck and remove every single lymph node etc that they can find. Dr Moley is highly recommended and will not miss anything. He is my best chance for keeping it out of my neck at least for awhile.

Now for the bad news: We now know why I've had this cough for so long. They found six nodules in my lungs at basically three in each lung. They are all around the size of pencil erasers right now. They also found cancer infested lymph nodes in both armpits and one in my right breast (not behind it like the other thing but in). What does this mean? Well it means that the medullary cancer has definately spread past my neck and isn't curable but that isn't as horrible as it sounds. I already knew all that so its okay.

We can't do anything about the lungs right now because the nodules at the size they are now aren't worth going in after. They might take years before they are actually big enough to bother operating on and even then they have trials going on right now that are showing alot of promise in maintaining and shrinking medullary tumors. So that means that the cough is here to stay.

I have been exceedingly tired and had been sleeping almost ten hours a night which is something I haven't done since I was little. When I went to my Family Doctor and told him he said it must be depression. To be honest, I was extremely pissed off! I knew it wasn't depression and I was feeling just fine! After having bloodwork done we now know that my thyroid levels (TSH) were at 19 which is definitely off. That explains the extreme tiredness and is easily fixed by upping my Synthroid.

No clue still why I can't eat without getting sick but I found something that I'm going to ask my PCP about. It might just be a simple matter of I got food poisoning once, the bacteria stayed, and now I have chronic gairdisis is all. So if that's it then I will be eating again soon.

So that is the update. I have an appointment with an ENT doctor on January 8th My endo would have liked it to be sooner but that was the best they could do which I understand. The ENT doc will check my neck, maybe do another scan, and then decide how we go about removing the left lymph node that is pressing on my carotid artery. That should take care of a few problems with it gone. Hopefully one of them is the mini-strokes. I'd like that alot!

I will have whatever other bloodwork and scans need done within the next two weeks and probably surgery by the middle of January at latest. Then when we get the biopsy back its results will decide if I'm taking a little vacation or not. If not then we just wait for the cancer to get bigger in my neck and then do surgery. I know it sounds stupid but since we can't do radiation or chemo and we already know the cancer has spread, it really doesn't make sense to cut me open constantly for the little stuff.

So don't worry. I throw up alot, I'm getting over being so tired, I cough alot, and I've got a bitch of a cavity but Christmas was nice this year and I enjoyed it. I got the one thing I wanted most- not one single argument the whole day! It was awesome! I'm content and I'm enjoying my family.

Again, I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile. With feeling so tired it has been hard for me to get online and even harder to sit and type. I've spent most of my offline time sitting on the couch trying not to fall asleep. Pretty sad I know. LOL. I'm back and I will keep you in the loop from now on. Thank you to everyone still reading and who has stuck it out with me. I appreciate your friendship more than you know.

Have a wonderful holiday season my friends!

I'm Sure You'll Forgive Me

I know I said I was going to start posting Mad Click Mondays again but what I'm going to post about felt so much more important.

In one of my posts I asked you for thoughts and prayers Tawnya Hopkins who is a mother of three boys that has dealt with more than her share of cancer. Unfortunately I don't have any good news to report. At this point we're all hoping for a miracle and hoping she at least gets this last Christmas with her family. One of the great things about being a part of a parenting board is the love that comes from them and for Tawnya they have been amazing. So far....

-We have tried to take care of everything on her wish lists for her 6 year old twins, her toddler, her husband, and her as well.

-At last count over $1000 has been donated to help give them a magical Christmas and help out with a few things.

-A bunch of us have emailed our pictures to a gal who is putting together a video montage for Tawnya that will show her the faces of all the women who love her.

-Quilts are being made for Tawnya, all three boys, and most likely her husband as well.

-There is talk of having a wicking shirt made in Tawnya's honor for people to wear during marathons, walks, and just because.

I want to thank the ladies of Amitymama and Mama Drama once again for being so immensely generous to one of our fellow sisters (I know Tawnya from Amitymama). I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing group of women. These are the same women who pulled together to donate money to Patsy and her family (the lady I knew that died in May from lung cancer), make her a quilt that she adored before she died, and also made it possible to send a quilt to not only all seven of her children but her husband as well.

Many of them also came together to make a lap quilt for me when I was first diagnosed with cancer and I still use and love it to this day. In fact, it will proudly go with me to the next surgery I have coming up. *smile*

The point of this post is to ask all of you to keep Tawnya and her family in your thoughts (and prayers if you pray) during this holiday season but also to remind you to show your loved ones what they mean to you today and everyday that you have. So many of us think "I'll worry about that later" and for many "later" never comes. Also please think of those in the U.S. and other countries who have so little that there is nothing to spare, those fighting life threatening odds, and also all of the world's soldiers who won't get to be with their families this month. Anytime you DO have extra money or can help out someone please do so. It takes so little time to care but it might mean the world to some special person.

I have learned from women like Tawnya and Patsy that I have much to be thankful for and the little bad things just don't matter anymore. Even as scared as I honestly am about what my scan results will show on Wednesday, I am still okay with whatever they may be. I feel so very lucky to have been given this much time to continue loving my family. Any time I get I am thankful for and will gladly accept and I will try to live each day with my kids to the fullest. It's the least I can do for parents with cancer who have gone before me.

Slow Goin' Saturday

I’m really happy with how the Princess Costume giveaway has gone and these entries just make me want to give everyone a dress up costume for their special girl. Sadly I can’t but the good news is that I have at least one more costume to give away in the very near future so don’t despair if you don’t win. Remember, this giveaway ends tomorrow at 12pm MST so hurry up and enter!! After that time I will use the random generator to choose a lucky winner.

I had some bloodwork done on Thursday in preparation for my scans on December 12th and my endocrinologist actually got some of the test results back yesterday. I won’t bore you with what all she said but I am happy to say that she feels the B12 shots are working and helping to bring my levels back up. YAY!! It sucks having to stick a needle in my arm but it’s worth it.

Hubby and I bought our Christmas tree yesterday. MonkeyBoy was suppose to go with us but I just didn’t have the heart to wake him early in the morning. He was sleeping so soundly he was actually snoring a little. Awwwwww. So Vin and I got an eight foot tall Noble Fir (I think that’s what it’s called) that we put up tonight and then decorating hopefully on Sunday.

As for today, I have spent it doing not much of anything. Just some laundry, some writing, looked for Christmas gifts (I did most of my shopping online this year which was GREAT!!), and read a few chapters of the books The C.S.I. Effect and Queen of the Amazons. Yes, I'm reading two books at once but I started one then misplaced it so I started another and then found the first one. It's actually quite easy to keep the two storylines straight and seperated. One is about the reality behind crime scene investigation and the other is about the legendary Amazons and Alexander the "Great". I recommend both books if you're into either of those subjects by the way.

Well it's late and I must be up and ready tomorrow to declare my winner right?! So I'm off to bed and hope that you get a good night's sleep yourself. Hugz

Miss Me?

Well I'm afraid you're going to have to miss me for a few days more (except for a review I have to post on here tomorrow for PBN). LOL. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week but I've been slowly getting sick over the past month and it got really bad from Thanksgiving on. Just as I started feeling better yesterday one of my damn teeth started hurting so now I'm wanting to have someone punch me in the mouth just so it will feel better. Seriously, vicodin isn't even touching it!!

Anyway- I know I missed MCM and I thought about coming on and posting it but it's hard to sit here for long. I've spent the last week getting sick everytime I eat, I had a migraine from hell for four days, I'm exhausted all the time, and the fibromyalgia seems like it is a constant thing right now. Oh and I have handfuls of hair coming out everytime I brush or wash my hair. Luckily I have abnormally thick hair but even it can't last too long! LOL.

As for my scans, hopefully I will know something tomorrow. I finally called and asked what the hell was going on and why haven't they been scheduled if this was all supposedly such a big deal. The M.A. that I talked to said that she will find out who dropped the ball and let them know that these scans are needed ASAP. So that should be taken care of and hopefully things will get rolling now.

So don't give up on me and don't go taking me off your feed readers or I'll still kick your ass! I expect to feel better very soon and I DO have a giveaway I promised to hold.

Oh and on the funny side- I found out that Big B's donor and his wife have been talking about me lately. It seems that Wifey 3 is worried that I'm going to die and they will "get stuck" with Big B. *laughing hard and trying not to pee my pants*. I laughed so hard I almost cried!! What in the hell makes that woman think I would EVER allow Kirk Coiner and her have my son? Is the bitch high? She can quit worrying because I'd tell Big B to live in a cardboard box before I'd let two irresponsible lying assholes have him. Bitch please!

By the way- Kirk STILL isn't paying his child support and now owes my son over $19,750.00, sick isn't it? But he can afford to go fishing and deer hunting of course. Fucking scumsucker.

Thank You

Tonight I just wanted to say a few "thank yous" to people. I'm not sure how long this post will be as I haven't felt well the past week or so (before the scan results even) and I plan on turning in early tonight in hopes of not feeling so extremely exhausted tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone who left me comments on Wednesday's post. It means alot when I post something just to get it off my own mind and others actually care enough to respond. I think that's one of my favorite things about blogging...the caring. I'll admit that yesterday I had a little bit of a pity party for myself but it's only because no matter how sure I might be that the questionable spots are nothing, at some point everyone who has cancer has thought the same thing and it's not always true. I guess a part of me is worried because I don't have the best of luck as most of you know. I'll admit I'm worried but I refuse to make myself even sicker because of it. So yesterday I went through the "what ifs" in my own head and then I let them go. They will come back only if I'm told they need to.

I also had to get through my disappointment at being told the medullary cancer was back in my neck already. On one hand I'm glad to hear that it's someplace operable but on the other hand it's hard because I had just come to terms with the scar I already have on my neck. It just began fading this year and I was just starting to feel okay about it. Now I know for sure that they will be cutting in new places and I will have to start all over again. It may sound vain but it hurts. I guess I would liken it to someone going through chemo losing their hair. You KNOW that if you have to choose your hair or your life then you will gladly give the hair but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. Those are my feelings about my neck. It's hard to let go of what I use to look like and look in the mirror at what I am now and still feel thankful. I DO but it's a mental thing I think we all have to get through. I will though and I'm finished feeling sorry for myself so don't worry.

Thank you to everyone who has included me in their posts since Wednesday. I was a little surprised to see the posts and very thankful. Donna included me in her post today and even made a donation to the Susan Komen Foundation in my name. Her gesture brought me to tears and I once again thank DotMoms for introducing me to her. It's taken us awhile to get to know each other but it's been well worth the wait, she's a really great person and I enjoy reading her blog.

Andrew dedicated a song on his Flashback Fridays post to me today. While his choice of song (Cory Hart? Are you kidding me? You will pay for that one...once I'm done remembering how sweet the thought is of you) made my eye twitch...okay so I giggled just like he knew I would and for that I thank him very much for knowing what I needed today. It's funny how well people can get to know you even when they live many states away. Again, I love that about blogging.

Last but definately not least, Christy over at Christy's Coffee Break feels I am worthy of yet another award from her. This time she has given me Polliwog's "Good Buzzz Blog Award".

Isn't it cute? Thank you Christy for always thinking of me and including me when you hand out the love. I know there are many people you have contact with on a daily basis so knowing that you still remember me means alot. Maybe one of these days we'll be blondes or brunettes at the same time too right? LOL.

Well it has taken me an hour to type this up (kept losing my train of thought LOL) so I will end it here until tomorrow. I just want to leave all of you with one more "Thank you" and hope that you all know how grateful I am to have such great blogbuddies. :)

No Hump No Hump Just Ugly Little Lumps

They are soooooooo not lovely either!! Well I got my Octreotide Scans results back today and it wasn't what I was expecting.

The cancer is definately back on the left side of my neck and coming back in the right side also known as there was definate uptake on the left and mild on the right. I expected that though and knew someday it would come back. I really didn't expect it this soon though so that kinda sucks. *sigh*

The part I didn't expect is that there is a questionable spot on the scan behind my right breast and also two more in my heart. Yeah, a little scary. I figured I would go in and hear that NOTHING lit up and just go on with what to do with this lymph node that is pushing on my artery. So much for thinking right? It's not time to worry yet because the spots in my chest and heart very well might be nothing. That's what getting more scans is going to find out.

So I have to have three scans done- a CT Scan of my neck and chest, an Ultrasound of my chest, and an Ultrasound guided biopsy of that lymph node in my neck. The first two will tell us if there is any reason to worry about the heart or chest and the last one is just so a surgeon will agree to operate on me. My endocrinologist said the scans should be scheduled pretty quickly so I will keep you updated.

So much for thinking I got to relax and kick back this month. Hey, if I can't laugh at it then it wins and I'm a sore loser. ;)

Oh yeah, I forgot to say where two of my tattoos are going on yesterday's post. Tattoo #2 is going to be either in between my left shoulder and my spine or on the back of my lower neck. Tattoo #3 is going to be either right above the phoenix or on my left shoulder. It just depends on how big I decide I want it.